Confessions of a Homeschool Exclusionist
by Shay Seaborne
Shay's Rules
Tips for Homeschool Connections
Books on Healthy Boundaries
A homeschool mom I know says, "the problem with support groups is they're made up of people who need support." True, but the same organizations can also be a central point for meeting new homeschooling friends, so it isn't uncommon for families to have mixed feelings about support groups.
I used to expect that parents who choose to homeschool are naturally more akin to each other, but this is not necessarily true. My friend Elizabeth suggests that "the truth is probably closer to, we're harder to get along with than other people, because we're not committed to conforming with a group." Indeed, one sometimes hears pained stories about attempted coups, betrayed friendships, and friends-turned-enemies. The problem is that, while many of us have high expectations of the homeschooling community, it is not superior to the rest of the country. While homeschooling itself offers hope for a better world, our community is essentially a microcosm of the greater society, with all the goodness, badness, beauty and ugliness humans possess. There are homeschooling bigots, zealots, religious exclusionists, pedophiles and thieves, just as there are free thinkers, the kind hearted, and those who would never imagine harming a child or stealing a pen from the office. There are homeschoolers who want to help create an array of learning opportunities for many, and others who simply want to place their children in "programs" that substitute for public school-to, as a friend put it, "keep their life as much as possible as it was 'before homeschooling.'"
Through facilitating a local support group for 5 years I have met hundreds of homeschoolers, some of whom were unhappy with the set up of the group. They wanted different activities, a new club, or for the dance classes to be changed to suit their particular schedule. Usually, they were people who complained about almost everything, but rarely-if ever-gave back to the group. Then there are those who berate their kids, bring them to events when they are sick and contagious, don't supervise their children, or make excuses for poor behavior, like "that's boys for you."
In response to those types, I have become a homeschool exclusionist. Over time I felt much less charitable and began to withdraw from planning support group events, doing the rah-rah and working to elicit action from others. I knew that it was well outside my circle of influence to change anyone else, and realized that I had to change. I learned how to say "Gee, that's a great idea! Why don't you start a club just the way you like it? I'll help you promote it." After the complainers heard that a few times they stopped complaining. Most of them never did anything, but at least they stopped whining.
I also distanced myself from the hypercritical, the nay-sayers and the arrogant. Some psychologists call them "crazy-makers" because they undermine one's ability to function well. Ultimately, I feel sorry for them, because I know they bear some kind of inner poverty--but I also recognize that their needs are not my responsibility. That recognition is part of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. A healthy boundary lets in the good stuff and screens out the bad. This especially includes people. One must set boundaries with people who are rude, unappreciative, hurtful, excessively critical, overly contentious or otherwise draining. One must learn to say "Thank you for your opinion" and "It sounds like you have a clear picture of what you want, and I hope you can make that happen for you." Sometimes one must even resort to being "too busy" or ignoring the person.
While I admit to being exclusionist, I don't judge people by their religion, ethnicity, hobbies, political party, gender, age or marital status. Instead, I select my friends--homeschooling or not--by how they express themselves and how they treat others. It has become clear to me that, for my own preservation, I must carefully select those with whom I interact on a regular basis or for extended periods.
While I still facilitate the support group, my friends and I have set up smaller groups through which we get together for park days, field trips, picnics, swimming and other activities. I find the little private groups much more enjoyable than large groups and the difficulties that often go with them. While these exclusive groups are small and select, they are not closed. We invite newbies as we feel appropriate. This allows the fresh air brought by new members, while maintaining the quality of the group.
Sometimes I feel guilty for being "exclusive," but I realize that I can't- and don't want to take care of the needs of the 125 plus families in my group. I need to do what works for me, and if doing that can help others--which it certainly does--that is the gravy. I tend to give new homeschoolers the benefit of the doubt, helping them meet others that might be compatible, and being open to the possibility that they may enter one of my circles. There is nothing like meeting a new, unsure homeschooling family, and watching them discover this satisfying way of life. I'm willing to help with that, whether the newbie will become a friend or remain an acquaintance.
Below are my rules for operating in the homeschooling community. I hope you will find some of them of value as you create your own set of rules.
Achieving balance and comfort will require time and some trial and error, but it will allow you to be a truly happy homeschooler. If you are selective about the compatibility of the people with whom you engage, rather than using measurements based on religion, political affiliation, or homeschooling style, you will have made your custom niche in the homeschool community; a niche that serves the community and also serves you.
Back to the top.Shay's Rules for Operating Within the Homeschooling Community
Over several years of interacting with other homeschoolers, I've developed these personal rules for operating within the community. Perhaps you'll find some of them helpful in creating your own list of relational rules.
You don't have to hang out with people you don't like, just because they are homeschoolers. Take time to get to know people before you leap into commitments with them. Watch how they interact with others, including their children. Spend time mostly with those who are reasonably compatible, and with whom you are largely comfortable.
Find friends and start your own circles, but be open to newbies. You never know who may turn out to be a good friend. In addition, new members keep a group going strong, because a closed group eventually dwindles as members move away, finish homeschooling, or head in other directions.
Remember that a good group experience includes give and take. Don't overextend yourself; that only leads to resentful feelings of being unappreciated. Likewise, be sure to give something back, as you can, so you can feel good about your contribution to the group.
Understand that large groups of any kind will have more complicated dynamics. Smaller groups feel more personal and are often easier to navigate. While homeschoolers seem to be ever better at accepting differences in homeschooling methods, strongly differing parenting styles are a more challenging obstacle. Any large group will include those with marked differences in parenting style. Still, large groups can be a great resource for field trips, classes and other activities, as well as a place to meet potential new friends.
Set up your group activities according to their importance to you and stick to your vision. Learn to say "I'm sorry you aren't happy with what I am doing. Perhaps it is best that you create your own such-and-so." Sometimes it just takes time to find the right sort of group or sub-group to suit your individual needs. I move in several circles-varying in size and intent-some of which overlap, and others that don't. Were I to draw a representation of this on paper, it would likely be reminiscent of the surface of a pond during a light rain shower. Homeschooling allows you to create whatever pattern of circles best suits you.
Accept that groups may come and go. Homeschool groups form and disband depending on the individuals' needs. Each serves its purpose and can be enriching, but they will end as the participants' needs wane. When the door to one opportunity closes, it provides the freedom to open other doors.
Back to the top.7 Tips for Making Homeschool Connections
New homeschoolers, or those newly transplanted, can sometimes find it difficult to meet others. However, a few simple ideas may help you get started:
1) Homeschoolers are a very diverse lot, so you will likely meet a wide variety of people. Give yourself time to find and build relationships with the families that are compatible with yours.
2) State, regional and local discussion lists are very helpful for learning about your local homeschool support and activity groups, as well as for "meeting" the many homeschoolers not affiliated with any group.
3) Park days can help you become more familiar with your local homeschooling community. If there isn't an established park day in your area, initiate one; it takes little time or energy. Simply pick a date, time and location and invite members of a homeschool group or discussion list. Keep it casual, and meet at a park with a playground or other activity area for children-and preferably, with a picnic pavilion nearby. This seems to work particularly well, because a park is neutral territory, and parents and children have a chance to ease into friendships.
4) If your local group is particularly large, or if you simply wish to, invite just a few prospective friends-those to whom you feel some connection-to a "private" park day or event.
5) Field trips can be places to make connections, but often they are best only for superficial introductions, because the focus is on the event or location at hand, and side discussions may interfere with others' enjoyment of the tour or activity. However, some field trips lend themselves more to discussions, especially if a picnic lunch is included in the schedule. Again, you can easily initiate your own event, open to all, or to a few.
6) One-time activities with 1 or 2 other families can provide a setting that allows you to become more familiar with potential new friends, without committing before you feel ready. Hold a craft day, go apple picking, play softball, have a picnic or go bike riding together.
7) Once you feel connected to a few people, start a regular get-together, or meet with each family on an individual basis. Expect that you may have to work at maintaining connections, but remember that the payoff-good, long-term homeschool friends-will be worth the effort.
Back to the top.Shay's Favorite Books on Healthy Boundaries
Boundary Power: How I Treat You, How I Let You Treat Me, How I Treat Myself by Mike S. O'Neil, Charles E., Jr. Newbold
This workbook explains the concept of boundaries, helps readers learn how to identify unhealthy boundaries, and learn to set new, healthier boundaries on all levels. It doesn't shy away from the tough questions, like "How have you violated someone's boundary recently?" Although from a Christian perspective, and containing a full (and excellent) chapter on religious boundary violations, those of other persuasions--including atheists--could overlook the slight religious content and benefit greatly by working through the book.
Boundaries: Where you end and I begin by Anne Katherine
The author maintains that the first step to true autonomy is setting personal boundaries--physical, mental, and emotional separations that define an individual's independence--and she reveals how to protect these boundaries as well.
Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day by Anne Katherine
A practical guide to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in a wide range of situations.
Boundaries by Henry, Dr. Cloud, John, Dr. Townsend
Psychologists and inspirational speakers Cloud and Townsend show readers how to set reasonable boundaries in order to "follow the true path of Christianity."
Boundaries Workbook by Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Based on the best-selling, award-winning book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, this is a psychological survival manual that will give you biblically based answers to questions you have about setting and maintaining boundaries.
Better Boundaries; Owning and treasuring your life by Jan Black and Greg Enns
© 2002, 2005 Shay Seaborne. Originally Published in the Newsletter of The Organization of Virginia Homeschoolers
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